Currently Reading Redeeming Love By Francine Rivers see related

Life is good.
God is better.

Currently Reading Velvet Elvis : Repainting the Christian Faith By Rob Bell see related

Xanga seems to be completely dead, but I think I'm going to update anyway.

I was skimming the "titles" of some of my old entries and found that the common theme throughout this year was trial and how God consistently brought me to it and through it.  I think that's awesome now that I can reflect on it all.  Since day one of my relationship with Him, Christ has been preparing me for something SO MUCH bigger than I ever had planned for myself.  It truly is exciting.

My life has changed a lot this year... definitely more than I ever expected it to, BUT I am so happy with were I am and who I am.

Of course God is continually molding me and shaping me, but I am steadfast and solid.  I'm not unshakable, but I'm unmoveable and I think that's an amazing place to be... not the best, but amazing.

My goal now is to edify others.  How can I pray for you?  How can I build you up and bring you closer to God?

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."  John 14:27

" 'And test Me now in this,' says the Lord of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of Heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows." Mal. 3:10

Currently Reading Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul By John Eldredge, Stasi Eldredge see related

HOSEA 2:6-20
(A story of the last 2 months of my life. A story of God taking a broken woman and restoring her to beauty. ...My thoughts are in parenthesis and the Scripture is big.)

"Therefore, behold, I will hedge up your way with thorns, and wall her in, so that she cannot find her paths.

(My God brought me to a standstill.  I sat for TWO months in the same place unable to do anything. I assumed God was just distant and that I was too much of a horrible person for Him to desire anymore... Little did I know He was in the midst of doing a great work in my heart.)

She will chase her lovers, but not overtake them; yes, she will seek them, but NOT find them.  Then she will say, 'I will go and return to my first Husband, for then it was better for me than now.'

(Within my two months of sitting, I started thinking about my testimony.  My life story could be simply explained from this angle:  The desire to be satisfied and the desperate search for that satisfaction.  I've turned to everything BUT God and consistently only sought Him in disaster.)

For she did not know that I gave her grain, new wine, and oil, and multiplied her silver and gold-- which they prepared for Baal.

(Why did I do this???  I didn't REALIZE that GOD had already equipped me with everything I needed to be happy.  He has ALWAYS taken care of me and provided for me like any faithful Lover would...)

Therefore I will return and take away My grain in its time and MY new wine in its season.  And I will take back My wool and My linen, given to cover her nakedness.

(Within the two months I DO feel like I underwent some rebuke for my ways.  My sins were laid out all before me and what is worse, they were revealed to others.  I know that some of the things I've done have caused my brothers and sisters to lose respect for me...)

Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers.  And no one shall deliver her from My hand.

(I felt so exposed before everyone even if not everyone knew what was going on within my heart.  I would consult my friends about ALL issues, but try as they might they could not help me.  I was left naked and cold to deal with my shame and brokeness myself... This was between me and God.)

I will also cause all her mirth to cease, her feast days, her new moons, her sabbaths-- all her appointed feasts.

(All my little "Affairs of the heart" no longer brought me satisfation.  Looking to other lovers (people or things) to satisfy me no longer worked... I could no longer stuff the hole in my heart with the things of this world.)

And I will destroy her vines and her fig trees, of which she has said, 'These are my wages that my lovers have given me.' So I will make them a forest, and the breasts of the field shall eat them.

(God brought these sins to my attention and worked with me to COMPLETELY remove them from my life.  No longer do these ways control me... I gave them to God and He burned them in His holy fire.)

I will punish her for the days of the Baals to which she burned incense.  She decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers; but ME she forgot,' says the LORD.

(Punish... Two months of a broken heart that cannot heal is an immense amount of punishment.  God had used little things to get my attention before, but now it was time for something big... no longer could my Lover tolerate my disloyalty.  No longer was my whoring acceptable to God.)

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her.

(But in the midst of that punishment, when I finally broke before God and confessed everything and TRULY sought His face, He scooped me up in His loving arms and comforted me through Scripture and otherwise.)

I will giver her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Anchor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the days when she came up from the land of Egypt.

(Not only did God hold me as I cried away the pain, He lavished me with GRACE and with JOY.  He showed me His glory and His majesty and How beautiful His love is.  I sang and dance before Him like I never have before.  And most importantly, my heart came out from behind THICK walls I had placed around it.  "Free my heart, God...")

'And it shall be, in that day,' says the Lord, 'That you will call ME 'my Husband,' and no longer call ME, 'my Master,'

(With that freedom, I was no longer a slave to my sin, but a beautiful vessel of God.  He loved me before, but I see it now.  He pursues me, He desires me, He longs for me, He romanticizes me... He is my Husband and I love Him deeply.)

For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals, and they shall be remembered by their name NO MORE.

(I have seen God's GLORY and God's LOVE... How could I EVER leave His presense for the frivilous things of this world that only bring temporary pleasure?)

In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, with the birds of the air, and with the creeping things of the ground. Bow and sword of battle I will shatter from the earth, to make them lie down safely. 

(God keeps me safe... God FIGHTS for me like a hero fights for his princess.)

I will betroth you to ME forever; yes, I will betroth you to ME in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindess and mercy; I will betroth you to ME in faithfulness, and you shall know the LORD."

(Did you hear that?  In the end I learned that I am BETROTHED to Christ forever.  I am His beautiful bride He cannot get enough of.  He chose ME.  He chose to love ME and lavish ME with rich blessings and overwhelming mercy.  He chose me and now I can KNOW Him.)

My relationship with God has been taken in small strides... I was the clay, I was the sheep, I was the child, and now I am the bride.  I am His beautiful bride and He shows me I am beautiful.  He shows me I am WORTH it even when nobody else thinks that I am.  I have NEVER been as satisfied as I am in the Arms of my Love.

Currently Listening The Everglow By Mae see related

TODAY is my BIRTHDAY!

Wow.  I just finished one of the most stressful weeks of the school year!  Let me tell you, finals were crazy.  We get report cards Thursday (my birthday-- how much does that suck?) and I'm a little nervous about it.  Algebra kicked my butt, that's for sure.

MOCK TRIAL is also in full swing and I'm loving it.  Props to my amazing team.  We're going to great this year as long as we keep focus.

Well, that's enough about the frivilous topics; on to the deeper stuff.  I want to talk about something God has laid on my heart as of late: 

SIN.

One of my good friends recently shared with me how they've struggled with forgiving themselves for certain sins they have in their life.  The more I thought about the situation, the more I realized I'm the same way.  I definitely have my fair share of sin in my life.  In fact, I personally believe that the more you are called the greater you deal with temptations. 

What I mean is this:  I know that I want to teach girls about purity.  I'm going to do that-- I have no doubt; so of course Satan wants to prevent me from any and every success I could have.  Since my passion is purity, what sin do you think I struggle with most?  Satan wants me to fail.  He would love for me to slip up and not make it to my wedding day, so I'm tempted.  No temptation is too great for me to overcome though...

"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, Who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptaion will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."  I Corinthians 10:13

So what about the sins I've already commited?  The ones that have been forgiven, but perminately damage me?  Lately, I've found myself surrounded by a hard exterior shell.  I've closed up emotionally because I feel like I don't deserve anything.  I have fallen too many times to deserve love or grace or the friendships I desire (and have).  In my mind, "I'm not worth knowing because I could potentially hurt you."  But I should not respond this way to sin.  The ALMIGHTY God of the Universe has forgiven me for those sins and I have the audasity not to forgive myself?

The sins I've commited are damaging, yes, but they can affect me in a positive way.  They develope and further my testimony.  Because I have made mistakes, I know why other people shouldn't and I can tell them about pain or confusion that they don't want to face.  Instead of closing up, I should open up and embrace who I am-- past and present-- and be prepared always to tell my story.  ...To tell the story about how Jesus took a dirty sinner like me and transformed me into something beautiful, so other people know about how glorious forgiveness.

I've told you all this (I don't know who "you all" is really... since Xanga is dying and everything), so that you'll remember that God doesn't care what you've done-- he forgives you.  Determine now to live for Him and you will be on the right path.  Sure, you will still struggle with sins, but God always forgives you.  ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.  Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will be converted to you."  Psalm 51:10-13

Currently Reading The Secret of the Lord : The Simple Key that Will Revive Your Spiritual Power By Dannah Gresh see related

I find myself enamored.  If you could have anything in this entire world, anything at all, what would you choose?  Would you choose the finer things?  ...A new iPod or iBook.  Perhaps a new DVD player or a extravagant shopping spree?  Maybe you'd just like to have a lot of money so as to have infinite possibilites.  Or perhaps you'd like something simple... a CD or some Starbucks or something?  What about someone's old plunger?  What about their nasty old clothes they used to do some smelly, manual labor and never washed?  What about an old toothbrush or some trash?  Here's what I'm thinking...

Yesterday was Christmas.  Christmas is the time of year everyone is giving, right?  Giving and getting.  Well, because Christmas is Jesus' birthday, I wanted to get Him something really special.  I mean, He's my Lover; my Savior; my Father; my All-- He deserves only the best.  Of course, nothing material would work because I can't quite it to Heaven.  No, no, it had to be something with Eternal value.  I came up with lots of good ideas...

I could sacrifice my time.  That's a good one.  Lots of people do that and Jesus really appreciates it.  But no... I didn't do it.  Time got away from me and I didn't manage it well and an idea turned to dust. 

No worries, I had plenty of good ideas.  What if I used my talents and abilities to bring glory to God?  Yah!  He commands that, right?  So I sang on Christmas Eve with my cousin and my grandma as my "musicians".  I sang "Oh Holy Night", but instead of offering it to Jesus as a sweet, glorifying aroma, I reveled in the praises of man.  Another idea to dust. 

So then I had the biggest idea of all... I could stop my affair.  WHOA.  That's intense stuff right there.  I could stop indulging in the temporary pleasures of this world, that sin and scum, and give all my affections and devotion completely to Christ.  Wouldn't that be something?  To turn to Him always and look to Him for complete and total satisfaction?  But as these very thoughts tossed around in my mind I lost focus and sinned.  I indulged.  I can't stop my affair-- I'm too far gone.  It's a life-long aspiration to be sure, but I know that my flesh consumes me more than the Eternal part of me would like (Romans 7, I think).

I slumped in my chair and started to really get upset.  I had nothing to give to Christ.  Focused on sulking, I began to think about all the gifts God had given me just in this last year.  Goodness gracious!  Those thoughts were nearly endless!  First there's my incredible family and friends.  Wow.  What would I do without them?  I would be a mess, that's for sure.  Then there's my school and my education.  Even though the workload can be terrible, I've been blessed with the ability to think, learn, and be anything I want to be.  I have a home and a car and a steady income... And most of all, I have the love- no- the adoration of a loving Savior.  He defeated death just for me.  I am scum.  My heart is gross; all of me is gross, but He didn't care.  He foresaw me and said, "She's beautiful, and I love her.  I want to spend eternity with Her and I want her adoration."

Jesus has given me the most incredible gift I could ever receive and I have given Him trash.  Even my best gifts are like old, yucky, smelly clothes to Him, but He still loves me.

Jesus, I can't give You finery.  I can't give You perfection.  I can't give You promises that hold any weight because I always fail... and You know that.  I can't give You anything that's beautiful or anything that's cool, but I want to give You my best.  I want to try very hard to give You my best every single day.  I want to smile for You, I want to excel for You, I want to live for You and for Your glory.  It's not much, Lord.  In fact, it's really nothing... but here.  Have my life-- the best life I can live for You.

Friends, as this new year roles around remember one thing:  You are nothing and Jesus is everything; He gave everything for those who were nothing.